Day Two: Just Trust and the Rest is a Walk in the Park

Okay. So I've had a spiritual awakening. I don't know how it happened, only that I looked down into a pit so big and so scary that I was forced to admit that my way hadn't worked.

My wake-up call came as they often do, disguised as a slap in the face: my sponsor threatened to leave me and who could blame her? I looked for all the world like one of those poor souls who is "constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves." She pointed out that I had ended up in the same broken place four times in our brief relationship and she was not going there with me again.

Although I had formally worked all the way through the Steps, I had done it my way. Now as I sat, bereft, about to be dumped over the phone by the one person who had channeled unconditional love into my life, I got something in the deepest core of my being: if I didn't work this program God's way, I was going to die. I was at Step One, really at Step One for the first time.

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The first few days of my new Higher Power-directed life have been all about remembering that I will die if I don't continually ask "what now?" This is a paradox because although I am conscious of the fact that going back to my way will definitely send me into the abyss, I am not living in fear as I was doing before. Interesting. And more confusing still, as intense as my First Step AH HA was, neither am I filled with a complete and utter trust in a Power greater than me. I remember my sponsor's words--"just keep asking 'What now?'"

So I decide that just for today I can trust Higher Power long enough to follow guidance about the next right thing. This means going back to the basics. It works like this: wake up and pray for the right use of my will. The only right use of my will is to ask "what now?" every moment of the day. If I don't get an answer I am to read my conference approved literature until it is time to check in again. Surprisingly I am getting directions like, "it's time to get up and take a shower" and "time to eat breakfast." "Time to go to work." Now these are pretty easy directions to follow.

But on day two, as I am taking my HP-directed shower, I get "Go to XYZ Park."

I get dressed and begin packing my bag with my literature and work keys and this, that and the other and I clearly get, "No. Take your ID and your car keys and go now to XYZ Park. " So off I go to XYZ Park.

I begin walking on the trail, a familiar one that I have walked many times. Before I am 200 yards along the heavily wooded path I look up to see a huge dog lurking just around the bend. I have never been afraid of dogs, but I register my body stiffening in fear. I stop in my tracks and instinctively check in with HP because at this point it is the only thing that I know to do. Just then a woman pops up from the creek bank and calls out to me, "He's friendly!" I walk past the big dog noticing that, although he could easily take me, he doesn't even acknowledge my presence. I catch my breath, my heart rate returns to normal, I continue walking.

Crisis averted, I register my annoyance at the woman for thinking that she could have a dog like that off leash. That breed is notoriously vicious. Who does she think she is for scaring innocent hikers etc. etc. This line of thinking is soon interrupted by the clearer, louder, more sane thought, the one that comes from HP: "See? I brought you here to show you that you can trust me. If you check in, I will protect you. I gave you this wonderful body and this capacity to register fear in your body. When you take care of your body, trust your body, it will give you the information that you need. Trust Me and the rest is a walk in the park."

Nevertheless, doubting the clear and the obvious, I ask. "Now what?" And I get "Just walk in the park!"

Step Two. Got it.

Day One: Stay in the Day

I can't believe that I am writing this. I couldn't believe the direction when it came. But two hours later I have successfully navigated all the actions required to fulfill Higher Power's will that I share my thoughts in a blog format. You see, I have recently undergone a spiritual awakening. It is not as I imagined it would be. I was not made instantly smarter, richer, or more popular. I didn't get what I wanted or even what I asked for. Nothing happened, there was no warning, no story to relate. But everything, absolutely everything, is different. The only indication in my journal is a number one, circled, as in "Day One," and a simple notation at the top of the page that says all I need to know: "Stay in the Day."

As I write I am aware of a nagging fear about what my sponsor will say about this blog. Telling her everything is new behavior for me. But so is turning over my will and my life to a Power much bigger than me.

So I will do a 10th Step about my need for approval and my fear of abandonment and, God willing, I'll find another burdensome pattern, however small, effortlessly lifted. Or I will experience the same fears again, and again, ask for insight.

That's what the 10th steps do for me now. They remind me to Stay in the Day and to ask for guidance from something bigger than my will.