Step One

It's been a few years since I first posted to this blog and again my life has become unmanageable. My first sponsor has moved away and I find myself in the familiar surroundings of my own particular nightmare. This time the world seems to be going there with me--unemployment, foreclosures, oil spills and other signs of epic chaos.

I am again at Step One.

Admitted that we were powerless over alcohol, that are lives had become unmanageable.

What strikes me this time around is the complete rest I find in this step. Sure I've been here before, on my own, with a qualified sponsor working the Steps, and with my sponsees and fellow travelers in meetings and on the phone. Yet I have always come kicking and screaming, secretly feeling that I don't belong here among people that consider themselves sick and broken.

Today, I feel nothing but the succor and shelter of the Program.

As I lounged in the tub early this morning I thought about the instructions from my new sponsor to journal about all the things over which I am powerless. The list may be lengthy, but I now realize that the sentiment I am powerless over my own recovery belongs at the very top. I see that in the past I wanted to accomplish the Steps as I accomplish everything else, my way, leaving little room for the divine solutions that could pave my path with ease, comfort and joy. Instead, I chose to work, sweat and force my will on my life and the lives of those closest to me.

This time Step One feels different.

Pure grace informs me at this moment, reminding me that I may rest here, rest in my Higher Power's strong arms and sturdy lap. Put down my burdens and rest in the course that my life is meant to take. I have no idea how long I am to be on Step One this time around, but I pray for the will to follow the guidance to know, rather than to decide myself.